Jan 15 2009
The Most Useless Science-Fiction Characters Ever #6
I try to infuse every entry into this series with a sense of humor, wit and intelligence. I try to take material that is mostly childish and downright dumb and make it rise above the levels expected. And while I really want to be all witty, intelligent and stuff for this segment, I simply want to say to this post’s pick of ‘Most Useless Science-Fiction Character’: Die. Die, please. Just die. Die slowly and painfully, Alpha 5. Please squeal “Aye-yi-yi” while I twist the circuits out of you through that stupefying lightning bolt that graces your chest. Oil and grease will drain from your dome as I rip out every wire and fiber-optic hair that exists in that puny little body. (*shakes head*) Sorry, I just watched five hours of Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers on YouTube for research for this article and I think I just momentarily snapped. It won’t happen again.
Why does poor little Alpha 5 inspire so much hatred in me? Well, as a child in 5th grade, Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers was what we all watched as we waited to be bored to tears by our teachers. We usually could fit two episodes in before class started. Sure, there are a lot of All-Star Useless Characters on that show’s roster: that Egyptian bat, uh, thing; the Lord Zedd guy with the brain on the outside who like to self advertise by having a big shiny Z on his inexplicably unsafe metal visor ( a)if your brain is on the outside wouldn’t you at least wear a baseball cap? and b)the last thing I need for an exposed brain is a rusting metal crown); that long haired porn star lookin’ guy posing as the White Ranger? The list could go on. . .but since Alpha 5 is short and helpless I’ll pick on him.
I suppose the pros to the character is that he doesn’t make a ’swish’ sound every time he moves his hands but that’s about all the good stuff you get with him. He waddles, shouts out Yiddish phrases with a pip-squeak voice and hangs around all day with a giant, shimmering head. Sometimes he gets to walk around his circular station and press a few buttons but he basically serves no purpose but to burst ear drums and annoy small children and parents alike. I have calmed down so Alpha 5 will not die. . .today.
See Also:
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I always though of that character as a loving homage to the equally useless 7-Zark-7 from the “Battle of the Planets” cartoon. He is similar in many ways…
1) useless
2) annoying
3) off in a distant control center where largely ineffectual
4) vague r2d2 rip off
[...] Alpha 5 [...]
[...] Alpha 5 [...]