Secure Immaturity

AN OFFICIAL SELECTION FOR SECURE IMMATURITY’S WORST FILMS OF MANKIND LIST

*From the personal email/’snail’ mail file of William Johnson, former editor of Secure Immaturity. FBI Special Agent Xavier Mercydle investigating the disappearance of Mr. Johnson a week ago. I found the following correspondence which seems to be the only evidence of his disappearance (and/or, at least, the cause of said disappearance).

Dear Sylvester Stallone,

I watched your film, Rambo: Nihilism, in July of the year 2009, and had the following things to say about it: ‘Stallone has decided to make sure that we, as human beings, realize that the world is a terrible place where only terrible things happen and that we should take our terrible souls and go throw ourselves on a sword. . .that’s resting on a land mine. . .on top of a nuke. . .on top of a black hole.’  I also wrote: ‘Rambo is probably one, if not THE, worst films in the history of mankind because it excels at causing the viewer pain both in mind and body.’

I just want to say that while many of these ideas still exist in many ways, I do want to apologize. I still think you have immense anger issues you’ve got to work out and maybe a change in worldview. . .but really, I think that your film isn’t really that bad. I was completely wrong. I recently watched the film Gamer and realized that I yearned for the subtlety of your movie. I actually desired to see the simplicity of throats being ripped out and women raped copious amounts of time. . .because, really, your film was fucking Sesame Street compared to the decadent evils of Gamer. Can’t wait for The Expendables! Bye.

Will

Dear Cast of Gamer (Mass Email)

To: Amber Valletta (AmberAlert178654@yahoo.com)

CC: KyraSedgwick@whenwilltheclosercommercialsstop.tnt.com, GerardButler133@Ineeda300prequelorsequel.snydermademeandibrokeme.net, ludacris@ludcarisisayahoo.com, PercyJackson@pleaseletmebeSpider-Man.com, Michael-C-Hall@Imashamedofmyself.org, johnnylegs@whatcareer?.com

Amber: I find you so intoxicating to look at. . .but I’m afraid our fictional relationship has to end. I just can’t. . .well. . .it’s not you. . .it’s. . .well, it isn’t me either. . .it’s Gamer. I just can’t look at you the same anymore. I love you. . .goodbye. . .*cries*

Kyra: You will be hearing from my lawyer’s soon. How dare you put on Kabuki makeup and bark at the screen. You scared my 10 month old daughter and made her cry. Hope Casa Bacon has a savings account.

Gerard: Look man. . .I like you. Well, I try. You have greasy muscles and can kill lots of people. I think your on-screen kill count is approaching the millions. Congrats on that milestone. I just wished you talked in Gamer. . .I think you went thirty five minutes without speaking at one point. I think you actually grunted more in this film then spoke. Well. . .whatever. Just don’t make The Ugly Truth 2. . .make something good, please.

Luda: I can’t really be mad at you. . .I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed. . .

Michael: I think people should investigate the production team of Gamer. . .I think that’s what gave you cancer. It couldn’t have been anything natural in your body. Only a tumor of negativity and pain can come out of being involved in the production of that film. I hope you recover because Gamer shouldn’t claim your vast talents. . .though it seriously questioned them.

Percy Jackson: I hope the kid’s film works out for you. I think you need a cleanser of spirit after mostly working with two girls who flash you and are named, on purpose, kumdumpsters.

That is all.

Will

Dear Neurology Center of Maryland,

Hi. I am having some brain issues. . .there really is no other way to put it. I am actually having my mom write this letter for me because I’ve lost sight in both my eyes. I don’t have any pre-existing conditions and my eyes appear fine. . .no bleeding or discoloration or anything. I also can’t pronounce certain words anymore and I also lost my ability to use my right arm. I haven’t suffered any head injuries or major falls or anything to that nature. I just suddenly can’t work these aspects of my body. I think the only consistent piece to this seemingly neurological puzzle is the fact that I watched Gamer a few days ago. I started having issues every day until what’s happening now. I’m scared. Do you think it’s biological or anything or just coincidence. A friend of mine thinks it might be psychological. . .like I am so shocked by the experience of watching it and grossed out that I’m in some sort of PTD mode or something. I dunno. . .I need your advice.

Will

Dear Dr. Ellen Chakwa, Psychologist

We’ve gone back and forth a few times about my psych history and I felt it was time to get to the root of the problems. Since I accepted my problem I got the use of my arm back. I can also speak now whenever I want and I am no longer biting my dog (she is grateful though she too lost an appendage). I still can’t see. I told you I watched Gamer. . .and I’m starting to think it isn’t anything anatomically wrong with my eyes (The Neurology Center already shot that down) and I’m also thinking it isn’t some sort of PTD. . .I think it’s spiritual. I think it was a sign from God to stop watching movies. Maybe I’ve watched too many. I’ve decided to join a Church. I’ve sold all my DVDs and given away all my movie related books (I kept Aliens Special Edition because I couldn’t let it go and I kept the free copy of Fireproof with Kirk Cameron because the church said I should watch (or, in my case, listen) that seventy times a month). Was this the right move? I can see no other reason for my blindness save the finger of god touching my head and saying, ‘you have seen enough’. I just don’t want Gamer to be the last thing I’ve ever seen with my own eyes.

Will

Dear Mom and Dad,

The church has been great. It’s much better than the Catholic group I joined last month. This whole polytheistic cult thing is not as bad as it is in the movies. I got your note about the lawsuit Lions Gate filed due to my insensitive comments about their movie Gamer. One of my last acts of technological slavery was taking that website, Secure Immaturity, down. Who needs it. I hate computers. I’ve also written this in my own blood. . .but please don’t freak out. I’ve collected it over the last month through this odd ceremony we do called ‘Faith Through the Naked Will’. I’m still not sure if that’s referring to me or not. . .either way, it’s natural and makes me realize I am alive (and can write while suffering from blood loss which might be helpful if our group leader’s ideas go to plan in the woods next month. . .more on that later). My sight has returned though I had to give up an eye for the cult’s monthly sacrifice. No big deal. . .I hardly have use for it anymore. Anyways, I wish you all good luck and remember, please abolish the techno-demons that inhabit your television and computer.

PO Ha Frake (My new tribe name).

World,

If trees are wood then is my heart any different? I feel sap flowing through my veins and as I set myself ablaze I realize that the fumes of joy and love I put into the air will cleanse the Earth. I love and miss you, dear mother Earth. All of your descendants have betrayed you. I place the oil of salvation on my head and place two rocks together, no doubt the testicles of Father Earth that helped spurn my existence, and make fire. . .the sperm of new life. I am soon to join you tender air. . .embrace me.

Po Ha Frake of the Gamer Scorned

(The following correspondence was found on a rock, written in feces, near some unidentified burned remains):

HA HA HA. My last thoughts are of Gerard Butler with his shirt off. . .what fresh hell is this. . .burning. . .

*This agent believes that Mr. Johnson ended his life while in the company of an anti-technology cult in California. I’ve already cross checked this with Special Agent Black and Special Agent Reyes and have determined that the existence of the movie Gamer has claimed the life of this young man as well as many others throughout the western United States. Due to fear of psychological symptoms spreading elsewhere, I feel the movie should be banned from existence. Mr. Johnson’s case is one of hundreds. . .but should be a lesson to us that horrifying films can hurt other people. Let’s just be happy the box office was poor and there weren’t too many other victims. This closes my field report.

Special Agent Xavier Mercydle.

File closed pending management review.

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