Secure Immaturity

AN OFFICIAL SELECTION FOR SECURE IMMATURITY’S GREATEST FILMS OF MANKIND LIST

I will preface this by saying I haven’t eaten anything in 12 hours, I threw up four times last night between 3am and 10am and had other specific problems I am literally too embarrassed to discuss on a public forum. If I were 83 years old in a nursing home I wouldn’t be embarrassed but I’m a single 27 year old in a bachelor pad so let’s just leave it at that. Having said all this, I think Happy Gilmore may be the greatest film bestowed upon mankind. All films are different: my all-time favorite is Heat, for sure. But sometimes a movie that is not only timeless and consistently funny, not to mention successfully manipulative, deserves mention in the annals of all-time greatest films. You dare me to prove it to you?. . .well let me get my vomit bag and I’ll do my best to try.

First, let’s look at Happy Gilmore as the apocryphal film that it is: has a movie ever become more important during the death of Tiger Wood’s image then Happy Gilmore. Let’s take the central villain, Shooter McGavin: he always says the right thing to the media and has a flawless image in the media. The other players think he’s a douche but, no one at home knows that. He is the ultimate success (minus the majors) of the league and, unfortunately, has a fall when everyone finds out he’s a dick in golf knickers. Then there is our hero: Happy himself. Violent but gifted. . .and attractive to the youth the tour needs (just like in the 90s when Tiger put a new, less old face on the golfing world. Add his endorsements, a hot blonde girlfriend (played by the beautiful Julie Bowen in the movie) and his many charitable foundations (and intentions) and you get a piece of Tiger. Add the two, Happy and Shooter, and you get Tiger. . .we just didn’t know it yet. Watch it again. . .I dare you. . .tell me I’m wrong (this in not an actual invitation to post a comment and tell me I’m wrong).

Let’s look at acting: Adam Sandler didn’t really reach his potential as a comedic actor until Punch Drunk Love and Funny People (where he wisely mixed drama and pain with the performance) but has there ever been a character so immensely deplorable AND immensely likable on screen ever? Russell Crowe can’t do it if his life depended on it! And when was the last time a ‘gross out/childish’ movie wasn’t about something inane and childish like, I dunno, getting laid on prom night or finding booze to get laid or driving across the country to get laid or. . .a myriad amount of ‘if we do this, we’ll get laid stories’. . .Happy just wants to save his grandmother’s house! That’s it! He has a happy place where his grandmother has her house, midgets live without persecution, Chubbs has an extra hand and, well, his girlfriend serving him beer in lingerie (okay, three out of four). That’s, as my mom would say, who gets higher blood pressure when she sees Adam Sandler, kinda cute.

And how about the villain? Greatest. . .of all time?  Smarmy, talented AND pure evil? How many golfers exist to literally inflict pain on other people and buy a grandmother’s house for spite all under the misleading guise of a publicly loved figure! This is pure genius. Add Julie Bowen who convincingly makes Happy a viable romantic prospect (a herculean task for any actress let alone one so little known), Richard Kiel as an epically large imposing figure (a real stretch for sure), director Dennis Dugan as a bizarrely accurate tour director and Ben Stiller in what is his greatest performance as a misleadingly friendly health care worker. And how could I forget Carl Weathers as the one handed Chubbs who, believe it or not, plays his goofy role straight and is an endearing figure as a result. And that grandma is so sweet. Ahhhhh.

How about the production value: good golf courses, exceptional violence, and an amazing soundtrack that rivals even Dazed and Confused (my all-time favorite soundtrack) which bases its score around Lynard Skynard! And the script is bizarrely and unexpectedly consistent. With the exception of one joke involving an alligator’s head given as a present, I can’t think of a movie with more laughs per minute then Happy Gilmore. And its immensely quotable. . .you can close your eyes and quote this movie until the final credit screen exits the screen. A true comedy is memorable AND, well, funny. Happy Gilmore, even after a hundred views, doesn’t lose it’s potency.

And on top of it all you have the familiar but unbeatable sports story: underdog vs. veteran and good vs. evil. There is never really a doubt that Happy Gilmore will win it all in the end but the film, surprisingly, goes through the motions without seeming monotonous. The comedy is switched between completely bizarre, vulgar, and somewhat mean spirited but, like any Appatow film from this decade, the film bridges the gap between pure gross out and complete emotional shock. At the very, very least (and lets pretend we are all over the age of 45), can you turn on the Golf Channel and hear Verne Lundquist’s voice and not think of Happy Gilmore??? Verne fucking Lundquist! It put him on the map.

Yes, I am immensely sick right now and probably dipping in and out of consciousness (because I just spent time talking about Happy Gilmore as if it was a serious film) but I guarantee you nine out of ten people can turn on Happy Gilmore on TV surfing through channels and end up watching it through to the end. And who doesn’t relish the moment when someone asks you for a drink and you say ‘how about a warm glass of shut the hell up’? You can watch it with your golfing buddies, your dad, your friends, your grandparents. . .even your mom (trust me, I’ve succeeded in doing that). Happy Gilmore has tested the currents of space-time and is still both funny and unmatched in quality. . .and now, with this Tiger Woods fiasco. . .could it be relevant? Okay, I might have pushed on that last part.

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