Secure Immaturity

(*sighs*)

So I read Twilight. . .hold on. . .

(*stretches* *sighs* *chugs liter of Vodka*)

Phew. . .takes the edge off. Anyways, what was I saying? Oh yeah. I read Twilight. (*sighs*). That was. . .fun. It was. I’m not being sarcastic. It’s cute. It’s cute if you’re a 12 year old girl whose never felt the pain of actual love and the dark lonely pit of despair it puts you in. God damn you Twilight: I HATE YOUR INNOCENCE. I HATE YOU. DIE. DIE. DIE. Okay. . .sorry. Lost it there. I did, really, enjoy the book. It’s not very often you get to see innocent, basic love especially in the mainstream world of indecency and smut. It’s nice to see a boy and girl meet each other, fall in love and basically live happily ever after (at least until book 2). It’s just too bad that these basic and lovely themes couldn’t be written more competently. The intentions are good. . .but the delivery is poor. Here is how Twilight read to me:

I stared at his broad chest as it glistened through the limited light of Forks’ overcast skies. I drooled. He stared at me. He smiled a devastatingly beautiful smile. Then his face turned brutal. He looked like he was going to rip out my spine. He then smiled again and I was bathed in his beautiful, chiseled body again.

“You’re. . .so. . .amazing,” I said with my face looking directly into the ground.

“You’re not so bad yourself,” he replied first smiling, then frowning and then smiling. He looked up confused and tortured.

“Even a blind squirrel finds a nut,” I say with a smirk. I frown realizing I’m not funny.

He laughs. Then he scowls in anger. He is tortured. But he is happy. “I love you Bella. I want to eat you. But I won’t. Stay away from me. I love you. Let’s sleep together. . .no funny business of course. Go away.”

I laugh then I pout. “Do you ever have urges?”

“I am a man,” he says with a mythic frown. His colonial chest takes a massive industrial sigh.He’s from a different time. His gaze was straight from the Renaissance but his emotions were pure Radiohead. I am reminded of Phoenix where I was a social outcast and no one wanted me. I frown. I smile. I frown. I smile. He frowns. I smile. He smiles. I frown. We kiss and I feel like my tongue has hit the marble slab at an ice creamery and I feel so cold and I love him. I can’t stop loving him.

“I love you,” he says. I smile. He frowns.

“I love you too,” I say back with a frile.

“I love you,” he continues. He puts his face on my neck. Though clearly an odd sign of affection, I love him. He looks at me with agony. He smiles.

And on and on and on. Not only does my black, unfeeling heart have to go on a date with these people for 397 pages, but I have to endure their immensely complex feelings. To me, these people are bi-polar maniacs! They deserve each other. At least the book TRIES to explain why they love each other. The movie doesn’t fair so well (more on that later).

But while Twilight’s intentions make it, if not a must read, a recommended read, I also recommend this book because it contains the world’s worst written character in the history of all literature and all media. Bella Swan is a disaster. She causes rips in the space-time continuum, disrupts the cosmos and nullifies the existence of God. Bella is hate. Bella is evil. The character exists to wreak havoc on the universe; From her inability to perform physical acts (her every move causes pain to others and disrupts the fabric of time and space) to her existence as an alpha female (every god damn character in Twilight wants a piece of Bella. . .and it isn’t deserved). She plays characters to suit her needs and cares not for the consequences and walks into situations and literally disrupts their very existence, displacing their peace and serenity and causing nothing but stress.

I read Twilight waiting for the great hand of God to swoop down and end her destructive ride through the world. But unfortunately there are three more books in which she can inflict her evil upon me. I wish her death and as I read each page I was waiting for her death or at least pain to be delivered upon her. Sometimes her pratfalls and her confusion was enough to make me smile. As long as Bella feels some pain, I am happy.

And now we go to the movie. Kristen Stewart’s performance as Bella doesn’t make me like the character any more. In fact, my Ahabish wish to eliminate her from this plane of existence is only intensified by Stewart’s truly horrifying performance. While Edward is played as if he is sporting wood the entire performance, he at least pulls off the tortured, emo thing the book was aiming for. Stewart is not only playing my least favorite literary character but she has managed to become my least favorite actress. Her bland and ‘I’m acting with and only with a stone-wall’ performance makes Twilight pretty unbearable.

But thankfully, for Stewart, the vampire effects are so goofy that you can forget about Bella and fall off your couch laughing. When Edward does his first ‘run’ through the forest, I had to rewind it so shocked I was that something that awful was put to film. Worse was when Edward and his family face off against a group of renegade vampires. It looks like West Side Story but more gay. . .and with goth kids. Much like the book, the movie is so awful it becomes enjoyable. Hell, Twilight is a classic in my view.

All joking aside, Twilight, the film, is shot pretty well and has all the intentions the book had. And it made $900 billion dollars which guarantees we have a franchise on our hands. I’ll probably be reading the other books (mainly because I heard Bella’s heart is broken in the second book and that would bring me all sorts of pleasure) and will watch the other movies once they are released on video. Twilight is a strange enigma. It’s simultaneously dreadful and fun and you can’t ask for anything more entertaining.

Oh and does Edward kind of look like Yao Ming to you?

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