Jul 13 2010
Movie Review: The Twilight Saga: New Moon
***For my review of the original Twilight, go here.***
I’ve decided to go easy on this one. Really. . .I am. I’ve liked a few films that some people would find completely embarrassing to be attending. I’ve stood up and cheered when a Klingon Bird of Prey was destroyed and cried my eyes out when those midgets in that Rings thing went in that boat with that old guy with white hair. I’ve worshipped things. . .and I have to realize that the Twilight ‘Saga’ is the same thing for little girls and retarded people that Star Trek or Battlestar Galactica or whatever was to me but has more abs.
So, like I said, I’m going to go easy on this movie, that being the second film in the ’saga’ called New Moon (sidebar: why was the first film called Twilight but had an apple on the cover and this one is called New Moon but has a flower dripping blood? I mean, the vampires sparkle and a flower has nothing to do with the moon, right? Why not just call it Full Moon. . .that would make more sense in regards to the fashion models that play wolves in this flick. Anyways. . .). Truth be told. . .it ain’t a terrible movie. Sure, it has monstrously awful acting, its share of terrible CGI, and the masturbatory need to show guys taking their shirts off or walking in slow motion to suicide inducing indie music. But it also has wolves eating people, people smashing people’s skulls into marble floors, a dude with red eyes who creepily hangs out with Dakota Fanning and two other miserable looking sad sacks, and a hot red headed woman who just runs around a lot. Oh, and the production value is lightyears ahead of the first film. So, yeah, not bad.
Well, instead of breaking a couple of my friend’s spawn’s hearts by talking about how large Robert Patterson’s (sorry, that’s how we know him in our world) jaw is or how I want to rub my face in Anna Kendrick’s wonderful bosom, I’m just going to talk about the plot of the film and let the reader decide if I liked the film or not and, for those who haven’t seen it, if they would like to see it. We all know the strange rape-fantasy for girls (for dummies) that was the first book and film was pretty awful. It’s main star, Kristen Stewart, seemed to be grunting through a painful bowel movement or was the first person to contract down syndrome AFTER birth during the whole thing and there was a Yao Ming looking vampire WHO FUCKING SPARKLED. Jesus. Just explaining it makes my head hurt. Would New Moon do better?
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