The 12 Best Mystery Science Theater 3000 ‘Guest Stars’ from Topless Robot

A review of The Last Exorcism from Planet of Terror

Professor David Huxley’s Laborious, Licentious Spotted-Leopard Labor Day Film Quiz from Sergio Leone and the Infield Fly Rule as recommended by Lazy Thoughts from a Boomer (You can check out Lazy Thoughts. . . version here.)

An excellent interview with James Cameron from CulturePulp

The always excellent episode synopsis from Musings of a Sci-Fi Fanatic

Cult Movie Review: The Warriors from John Kenneth Muir’s Reflection on Film/TV

Nature Bites! A Photo Gallery from Deadly Serious

Hancock, played by Will Smith, was an ‘original’ black superhero character and, as far as I recall, his ethnicity was never brought up. And the same exists, in a way, with the little remembered The Meteor Man, a 1993 film that basically took the origin stories and personal problems of many of the most recognizable comic book superheroes (Spider-Man, Superman, etc. . .who happen to be white) and made an original ‘black’ superhero who has to deal with black issues. Instead of saving New York City from a madman’s bomb or plot, Meteor Man has to clean up his neighborhood from the local gangs.

This isn’t quite as insulting as it sounds. The Meteor Man, starring director/writer Robert Townsend, isn’t calling out how ‘black’ Meteor Man is or how ‘black’ the problem of gang’s are. . .he’s just making a movie about a man trying to save his community. . .not unlike something Spider-Man or Superman would strive to do in their respective neighborhoods. The difference: since Townsend’s character IS black and lives in Washington DC (a city known for it’s large black population and high crime rate), Meteor Man HAS to save his neighborhood by stopping gangs. Superman can’t stop gangs in his neighborhood because he grew up on a farm in the middle of White-Town, USA which doesn’t have gangs.

Townsend is wise in saying gangs in black neighborhoods ARE a real problem (especially in 1993) and they would be a real problem for a black superhero protecting his neighborhood. So, thankfully, The Meteor Man isn’t preachy. What it is though is mostly stupid; a broad comedy with comic book sensibilities and a superhero that is likable but simply a hybrid copy of other heroes. Robert Townsend’s secret identity, Jefferson Reed, is basically Clark Kent; dorky, intelligent, socially nervous, and low self esteem. The difference being that it isn’t an act, he is that way. When he is struck by a meteor (no explanation given or needed, really), the meteor gets absorbed into his body and he gets superpowers.

His powers include, but are not limited to, X-Ray vision, eye lasers, flight, super strength, super speed, and powerful breath. Sound familiar? Meteor Man also has other powers that are likely categorized as ‘Plot Convenience Powers’. For instance, Meteor Man can touch any book and know all of it’s contents for 30 seconds. A pretty retarded power UNLESS you were using it for comedic effect (more on this later). Meteor Man also has the ability to grow large crops. . .once again, a power that is handy when some filler is needed.

The weaknesses in The Meteor Man are obvious: unoriginal powers given to a mostly unoriginal hero. The positives are in how these common, unoriginal ideas are used in the universe being created. I already mentioned the ‘ghetto’ angle. Meteor Man’s main opponents are a collection of adult/child street gangs who all color their hair gold and cause havoc in the neighborhood, from the mundane (graffiti) to the horrific (murdering men and women in a lot of ways). These gangs are run by a conglomerate of gangs led by Frank Gorshin (yes, Frank Fucking Gorshin) who, naturally, makes an appearance at the end. Meteor Man binds the community together, without preaching, mind you, to stop these dastardly fellows. Not original, you say? I guess. . .but the fact that a superhero is being used in such a limited capacity (local neighborhood, not exactly saving the world) is new and it becomes very personal for the hero and, in the end, the audience.

More original, perhaps, is Meteor Man’s reactions to his own powers. Reed is terrified of heights so when he courageous flies around looking for bad guys, he flies at car level down the street. This was pleasantly hilarious. His X-Ray vision, which he can’t turn on or off at will, makes his conversations with his mother very uncomfortable (I don’t need to elaborate). And I mentioned the goofy 30-second book power: at one point, Meteor Man grabs various books and uses them in his final climatic battle to IMMENSE comedic effect. Watch the below video: for a movie light on laughs, I do have to say the below scene had me laughing off my couch (the best part starts at about 2:15).

Now when I say that The Meteor Man wasn’t preachy, that isn’t to say it’s without it’s moments of social commentary. It’s not exactly DEEP social commentary but a black superhero addressing black problems must go about things a certain way. At one point, Bloods and cops are shooting at each other. Meteor Man, in the most MacGuyver of ways, forces the two groups to sit down and talk (I’m not joking). And in one very short scene, Reed, not dressed as Meteor Man, condemns his local community for not only blaming Meteor Man for the increased gang violence (they all want to kill Meteor Man) but for sitting by and expecting the problems to work themselves out. This, thankfully, wasn’t intrusive but just as symbolic of any other superhero movie that just happens to have a white guy in it. Anyone who saw the end of the first Spider-Man knows that New York rises up together to stop ALL terror (i.e. The Green Goblin). As I said before, The Meteor Man doesn’t address it’s blackness, just problems that HAPPEN to involve black people. This is nice.

The acting on display is great: Townsend is likable while his buddy, Eddie Griffin, steals every scene. James Earl Jones is uncharacteristic in this film. . .at one point rapping with a boom box and sporting an over exaggerated flat top (think Kenny Walker). Sinbad makes a hilarious cameo while Robert Guillaume and Marla Gibbs play Reed’s parents to perfection. Roy Fegan is the main baddy while his right hand man, played by Don Cheadle, is menacing despite the goofy clothes and comedic atmosphere of the picture. Tiny Lister also shows up. . .playing pure schtick and walking around with a Tiger (this was YEARS before The Hangover!).

I enjoyed watching The Meteor Man though it was immensely flawed. I remember, as a young one, The Meteor Man being advertised in comics everywhere but, while rated PG, the film isn’t really for kids. The humor isn’t exactly adult but it isn’t child’s fare while the violence could be a bit much for kids. The film didn’t do well despite the massive advertising (at least in comics) and only made about $8 million (on, I’d imagine, a large budget) and while I’m not saying rush out and find this thing, it is worth a view. Black superheroes are rare and The Meteor Man is a likable and sometimes fun one.

Movie: Pearl Harbor (2001)

Composer: Hans Zimmer

Movie History/Legacy: Well, nobody wanted to give Michael Bay a chance to make a romance. And that was probably a good idea. Pearl Harbor, technically, is a marvelous film. The visual effects are astounding, the production design flawless, the costuming great, and the cinematography breathtaking. The problem: the story is dubious, far fetched, and poorly written/acted/directed. How often can you say a movie based on history is far fetched????? But somehow Bay, despite all his technical prowess, made a true story seem ridiculous and impossible.

Analysis: To be frank, Zimmer’s score deserves better. Very few scores can well up my eyes but Zimmer’s Pearl Harbor score, when isolated from the movie, is extremely moving. It’s a bit repetitive, sure, but it has a power to it that moves the heart and soul. Sometimes Michael Bay’s images lend itself to the music but when the crappy romance and stilted dialogue goes over the score, you can’t help but say ‘Shut up Ben Affleck, I’m trying to listen to the music’. Not the ideal thing to say when WATCHING a movie.

Movie: Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989)

Composer: Jerry Goldsmith

Movie History/Legacy: Star Trek V was just a mess. Directed by William Shatner, the film’s screenplay had big ideas but virtually no money to back them up. So, in the end, you got a movie that talks about a lot of important stuff that looks, visually, like something from the original series but even less inspired. Shatner wanted the Enterprise to go up against God in the Big Daddy of all Paradise planets. . .and instead he got a big Santa Claus head shooting lightning bolts and a really uncomfortable looking desert standing in for ‘paradise’. Plus Uhura does a fucking fan dance.

Analysis: Jerry Goldsmith is kind of like the blue collar hall of famer in the composing world. Everyone likes to talk about Hans Zimmer, James Horner, Danny Elfman, and, of course, John Williams, but Goldsmith is kind of a living legend no one exactly knows about (or knew. . .he is now deceased). Geeks will likely no him because of his five Star Trek scores (I, V, VIII, IX, and X to be short) but Goldsmith was nominated for five Grammys, nine Golden Globes, seven Emmys (winning five), and 18 Academy Awards (winning one). His resume includes (but is not limited to) Planet of the Apes, Patton, Chinatown, Alien, Poltergeist, Hoosiers, Gremlins, Basic Instinct, and LA Confidential.

His Star Trek scores (along with five movies, he did the opening credits theme for TNG and Voyager) seem to be his passion though. His Oscar nominated score for The Motion Picture changed the way Star Trek would be scored in the future while I personally believe First Contact is his magnum opus in terms of a full composition while his opening theme to Insurrection is his best solo piece. His score for Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, however, would naturally get lost since the movie was such garbage. But such a beautiful and powerful score doesn’t belong in something so unworthy. When the film works, the score just adds to that particular scene’s impressiveness. When the film lacks, the score sticks out like a sore thumb, outperforming the movie itself. Of all the Trek soundtracks, Star Trek V is the most accessible because it is sweeping, meaningful, and powerful. . .everything the movie is not.

Movie: Kull the Conqueror (1997)

Composer: Joel Goldsmith

Movie History/Legacy: What was originally going to be the third Conan film turned into a sword and sandal ‘epic’ trying to capitalize on the bizarre success of cheesy but funny series Hercules: The Legendary Journeys (and it’s star Kevin Sorbo). You pretty much know what you are getting with a movie called Kull the Conqueror whose second leading star is Tia Carrere so I don’t really have to explain too much of the legacy to you. The budget is not available anywhere but fantasy flicks aren’t cheap. . .and Kull only grossed $6 million dollars in its lifetime.

Analysis: Joel Goldsmith will never be his late father Jerry but that doesn’t mean he isn’t talented. He hasn’t scored too many high profile projects and he has made due with what he has had. His score for Laserblast is just awesome considering he was probably paid $25 in Subway gift cards and had three instruments available. His score for Kull is not historic or anything but it’s ballsy. It mixes metal with symphony in a fantasy flick and doesn’t blink. . .that’s just frickin’ cool.

Movie: Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers (1995)

Composer: Graeme Revell

Movie History/Legacy: When I was a kid this show was huge and a movie just seemed like the next best thing for the money hungry (and, if reports are true, homophobic) producers and creators of MMPR. If the movie was in the comic world, it would be like a different universe or something since some of the original actors appear and some don’t while the mythology has been changed. Either way, financially the film was a success and led to about 16,000 additional Power Rangers TV shows. On a meager budget of $15 million in an industry still feeling out CGI, MMPR made almost $67 million worldwide.

Analysis: I am a big fan of Graeme Revell’s music IN movies. His soundtracks aren’t usually good listening because it is very atmospheric and appropriate to the scenes on camera (most specifically horror films, where he almost musically facilitates the ‘jump scare’). But there is something noble about his addition to MMPR. He adds an epic tone to what should be an absolute mess of a score done by a hack on a keyboard and a cheap drum kit machine. The movie, especially now, is terrible. It’s very clear it was made to grab money and little was done to actually make the movie memorable (it’s a loss for fans and non-fans alike: it shat all over the already dubious mythology created by the show and it alienated bringing in new fans by being so elitist with its fan base). But while the celluloid dies, the score shall be remembered as giving something excellent to a film that didn’t deserve it.

Movie: The Big Bounce (2004)

Composer: George S. Clinton

Movie History/Legacy: The main selling point (and an effective one) was Sara Foster and her yellow bikini. She is a godsend in a picture that is, everywhere else, lacking in style, sexiness, and effort. Foster, who, for some reason, never looked as hot or as sexy again, made this movie. And even with her in it for eye candy only. . .the movie still tanked in the box office ($50 million dollar budget, January release, under 400k international take, and under $7 million box office overall)and in story/fun/brains. A great cast was extremely wasted in a forgettable Elmore Leonard yarn that should have been treated so much better.

Analysis: Well, I think everyone has forgotten about this movie. If you can find Kull the Conqueror score videos and nothing for The Big Bounce then your movie is worse then you thought it would be. Oi. Anyways, George S. Clinton, probably best known for his engaging and fun Austin Powers score, crafted a very exotic and enchanting score for The Big Bounce. Coupled with some marvelous cinematography, the score almost takes you to a different place. . .and when watching The Big Bounce, you wish it would.

And Welcome Back, Frank is probably The Punisher’s magnum opus. Those unfamiliar with the ‘hero’ of The Punisher in comic book form may be familiar with him in the movie world (though based on box office, that is unlikely). Dolph Lundgren donned the skull shirt in the early 90s while two cuts starring Thomas Jane (the second I title John Travolta’s The Punisher) borrowed heavily from Welcome Back, Frank with mixed reviews. A third Punisher, Ray Stevenson, made it to the big screen, borrowed lightly from Welcome Back, Frank, and made sure all possible violence was unleashed on an audience. Unsurprisingly, critics and audiences hated it (I loved it).

The Punisher is a tough sell. You may feel for him but you also hate him. You can approach The Punisher in many ways. If you make him more of a superhero then you can make him more sympathetic and many of the current ‘issue’ books have done this with Frank Castle (The Punisher’s alter ego). You can also take a gritty approach, as Marvel’s MAX line has done, and add a ultra-violent, brutal look at what the Punisher does and who he hunts. But in order to be taken seriously, there HAS to be a darkly comic/ironic bent to it or else we are watching a bad guy killing worse people.

Garth Ennis, in Welcome Back, Frank, decides to make The Punisher a man of little emotion but with guns loaded with satire. Welcome Back, Frank is, by no means, comedic in the hardy har har way. . .it’s sarcastic and hyperbolic kill count and kill types are stuff of legend (Welcome Back, Frank contains but is not limited to Polar Bear Death, 100-Story-Tall-Building Death, Fat Man Suffocation Death, Head in Butt Death, and Torture Through Extreme Body Piercing Prejudice) but it contains just a minor bit of fantasy to it to make it not so disgusting and off putting.

Like Nothingface, sometimes I can’t wait for violence. Anyone who has seen Saving Private Ryan or any urban crime drama knows that death and violence are not happy topics but, if viewed in the right way, violence, with something (or nothing) to say, can be enjoyable. And while that sounds wrong, I read The Punisher to see evil punished in comically goofy ways. Simply shooting someone is not enough. . .make sure there body is folded in half too. You don’t really feel bad for the bad guys and while you might not hang out with Frank Castle, you’re kind of rooting him on. Comic book violence isn’t really hurting anyone.

Besides, action films are a staple of our society and we’d rather blur out boobs then watch people explode into chunks. It’s entertainment! And Garth Ennis, in his excellent introduction, expects nothing less from his readers then enjoyment of immense, slightly satirical slaughter. Welcome Back, Frank really has no plot: The Punisher hunts down the Ma Gnucci crime family one by one by one until literally hundreds upon hundreds of criminals are dead and there is no limitations on how they are taken out.

But to add complications to our suspension of disbelief, Ennis adds three ‘extra’ vigilantes all fighting their own brand of odd justice. Naturally, as the book opens with a man being thrown off the Empire State Building, the book ends with Frank blowing away the three new vigilantes because, well, The Punisher’s justice is more pure! How many books can you say rock and make you decide which form of killing is more acceptable!?

Welcome Back, Frank was probably the easiest book I ever read. It’s simple in plot, majestic in it’s ultra-violence, and simultaneously serious and hyper-real that I can only laugh at the monstrous destruction I see. It’s a hard feeling to explain and qualify but there it is: I enjoyed The Punisher’s rampage of quasi-moral justice. I welcome you with open arms Frank.

Cult TV Flashback #116: Planet of the Apes (1974) ‘The Trap’ from John Kenneth Muir’s Reflections on Film/TV

Star Trek Original Series Episode Review: The Enemy Within from Musings of a Sci-Fi Fanatic

A review of the cult hit The Relic from Radiator Heaven

Cool Movie Weapons You Wish You Could Get Your Hands On (except no Klingon weapons. . .don’t worry fellow nerds, I told him) from The Film Connoisseur

Top 10 Worst Films Reviewed at The Lair from The Lightning Bug’s Lair

A delightfully nasty review of Eat, Pray, Love from Acidemic-Film

A cool review of Wall Street from Hugo Stiglitz Makes Movies

Summer Shocks 1995: Tales from the Hood from Dinner with Max Jenke

Jen’s great review of Kenneth Branagh’s Hamlet from Film Intuition

Top 50 Stephen King movies from Dead End Drive In

Anthony is a man whose lost his mind. You might not guess that, of course, because Anthony is speaking to you, the audience, directly, in the very untrustworthy first person perspective. He’ll have you believe the world around him is crazy and not him, and while that MAY be somewhat true, since Anthony’s world is full of, at best, eccentric weirdos, Anthony is on the brink of madness. His vivid imagination and immense intelligence keep him going a bit but while he waxes poetic or questions the way of the world in an eloquent way, he’ll drop hints about how crazy he truly is.
Anthony was, it should be added, found in his apartment naked and taken home to an equally schizophrenic mother and a sister whose sense of independence, at 13, is seemingly unparalleled.

Add to that his seemingly unbreakable yet ancient grandmother and you have a household built on madness. In the land of crazies, the man with the narrative power is king and Anthony, for the entire book, manages to seem misunderstood, not insane. And what starts as a pseudo-inner city family story in Brooklyn, ends up being a road story, when the entire family goes to Virginia to help Anthony’s sister compete in a beauty pageant. The main question is: will they all return?

I initially picked up The Ecstatic because my favorite hip hop artist, Mos Def, loves the author. In fact, he named his fourth studio album The Ecstatic AFTER the book (it also happens to be my ALL-TIME favorite album, rap or otherwise). I wanted to see how this strange book applied to the album. I was disgruntled to find out it was an inspiration in name and definition only. . .but I at least got some exposure to the talented LaValle, who writes The Ecstatic in an engaging stream of consciousness way that never lets it’s energy wane even when the situations border on the absurd.

A lot of critics and such said The Ecstatic was darkly comic and touching. I don’t know if I agreed with that sentiment; it’s too disturbing and odd to meet those adjectives BUT what it is is revelatory and uniquely contradictory. I found it more absurd and cartoony then darkly ironic. Plus, I found it both entirely real in its depiction of human relationships and the understanding of age and custom AND completely insane and over the top on the emotional board. But that is a bonus since it is coming from the perspective of an insane person who only suspects he’s insane. And that ties into why I find myself disturbed by how much I connect to Anthony: at times I’ve seen things from his perspective and sometimes it makes sense and sometimes it is, indeed, insane.

Not a masterful book by any means but surely interesting and short enough to keep even the disinterested interested (I know, it doesn’t make sense but neither does Anthony’s psyche). Would I recommend it to everyone: no. But if you like this sort of thing then it is a definite.

I’ve been on a Neil Gaiman kick for the last few months trying to figure out what I’ve been missing. I’ve heard a lot about the man for many geeky years of existence and I thought it was high time I tackled his library. The jury is still out on his novel work. I liked Good Omens enough in theory but really desired it to be a short story. I have a pretty solid love-hate relationship with American Gods though I do love it more then hate it. But Sandman, as everyone has warned me, is just right. I haven’t looked forward to continuing reading a graphic novel since I first cracked open Watchmen.

I’m not really too familiar with the origins of the Sandman character, an older, almost forgotten creature in the DC universe, but, upon reading the ‘behind the scenes’ material on Sandman, Gaiman was instructed to start over and create a new Sandman. So successful and original was Gaiman’s approach that Sandman was one of the main reasons why DC created a more independent-minded side company called Vertigo. And Sandman is certainly not your standard DC comic. While DC, to me, has richer storytelling and more complex characters then opposing powerhouse Marvel, they do still exist in the world of superheroes. And while Sandman features a superhero here or there, the DC Universe is virtually absent in Sandman’s reality. And that is okay with me.

Preludes and Nocturnes is an origin story in some ways. In eight chapters we are introduced to the Sandman and are automatically on a quest to a)help him escape a prison and b)reclaim his powerful tools that help him control the dreamworld. The structure is masterfully set up: discover Sandman by helping him discover what he has lost. When we meet Sandman we see him being captured by an Alasteir Crowley type occult figure and held prisoner for 70+ years. Due to the Sandman’s absence many are suffering from a lack of dreaming, a sleeping sickness. When Sandman escapes, the next chapters follow him as he tries to find his pouch of dreaming sand, his helmet, and his amulet of power and control.

The Sandman is certainly NOT for children as it deals with issues of madness, addiction, sexuality, death, and the existence of hell. It also deals with the unpleasant side of humanity. The volumes strongest chapter is one called ‘24 Hours’, in which Dr. Destiny escapes Arkum Asylum and abuses Sandman’s Amulet. He virtually takes over a 24 hour diner, and, in 24 hours, has all the current occupants face their animal instincts, confront their prejudices, and destroy each other with violence or hatred. It is immensely disturbing but undoubtedly provocative mainly because Gaiman taps into the inner thoughts of real human beings. . .things we ALL think about but are sane enough to hold back or simply dream about.

A close second is the more fun and less thematic chapter entitled ‘A Hope in Hell’ where Sandman goes to Hell, discovers a twisted political system, and searches for his helmet. In order to receive his helmet he has to survive a duel with a demon. Unlike the classic duels or muskets or swords, Sandman and the demon engage in a duel of ideas. The demon will think of something that would, in theory, destroy Sandman, say a tiger eating him. Then Sandman would counter by saying he’s a hunter with a gun and he shoots the tiger. It’s hard to explain but basically whoever can counter with a more creative thought is the victor. Very intriguing.

And for those interested more in the mechanics of the comics industry, Sandman is masterfully drawn and lettered and well plotted. Once again, you’ll only get a flash of Batman but Sandman is rich both in character and environment and will make you virtually forget this takes place in the DC Universe. I’m glad I finally read Sandman even though people have been telling me for centuries to read it. It’s not exactly timeless (to some the art and references are a bit outdated. . .but it WAS written in the 80s) but it still is powerful. I await Volume 2!

So while I suspected there would be some geeky love in the film, I figured it would be a disappointment. Plus, of all the reviews I read, SPvs.TW was getting the ‘love it or hate it’ treatment and I tend to lean towards the ‘hate it’ because, deep down, I am a hateful person who doesn’t like to be happy. It’s true. . .I’ve come to grips with it. But Scott Pilgrim doesn’t just battle The World, as it were, but Scott Pilgrim also dusted off my cold, angry, pessimistic heart and made it happy. Scott Pilgrim SAVED the World. . .my world.

Yes, that strange property you’ve probably seen commercials for called Scott Pilgrim vs. The World is SO awesome and then some. It is a masterpiece of geek artistry, creativity, and originality (okay, sure, there was a graphic novel used as source material BUT the film is not simply a hodge podge collection of that work’s greatest hits but, rather, a proper adaptation and love song to said source material). Upon exiting the theater, with wobbly legs, I went home and purchased BOTH soundtracks (I haven’t done that since. . .god, who knows), read every bit of material available on the movie, and plotted a way, both through subterfuge or legit measures, to have everyone I know go see the film. Scott Pilgrim is THAT good.

Now, to those who hate the movie. I usually respect people’s opinions (okay, well. . .) but in this case. . .ARE YOU FUCKING NUTS! Granted, the movie is all kinds of weird and odd. Scott Pilgrim’s higher grossing competition, The Other Guys, brands itself as the random king. But, my friends, Scott Pilgrim has it beat. The audience I was with was all touched in different ways. I was alone in the theater and I was almost embarrassed because, at one part, I fell on the floor and couldn’t stop laughing. That feeling went on for a good six minutes. Something just tickled the right funny bone. The same happened for others at different points. . .needless to say, the floor was filled with hysterical nutjobs.

Much like Bubba Ho-Tep with Bruce Campbell, Scott Pilgrim vs. the World is one of my favorite movies to describe to people (in theory; I just got home from the theater so humor me): Scott Pilgrim is in a ‘terrible’ band and he has all kinds of girl trouble. The girl of his dreams comes into his life but in order to date her, Pilgrim has to fight her seven evil exs. Oh, and Pilgrim lives in a video game world where people fly and have super powers. Simple, right? God, I love even DESCRIBING this movie.

Director Edgar Wright, who directed Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz, truly tests the bounds of imagination and technology. SPvs.TW might not be the most realistic visually but it isn’t supposed to be. However, it is probably the most beautifully designed film I’ve see in some time (if not ever) and the visuals do that age old thing most visual effects artists have forgotten about. . .aid the story as opposed to overpowering it. Pilgrim is a visual effects movie, sure, but the visual effects ARE the world and ARE the story. And it’s mixture of 80s video games and the nostalgia of the lovely arcades of yesteryear gives this film a sort of post modern nostalgia (possible?). It is both the film of the future and a period piece.

Plus it is executed with amazing professionalism and gets an A+ in almost every category: it has amazing visuals, creative story elements, hilarious jokes, kick ass fight scenes, utter randomness, pitch perfect acting, a rocking soundtrack, and even a plot twist here or there. I really wanted to wait a few days before reviewing this film since an exaggerated bias can exist after seeing something so fun so recently. But, screw it. I haven’t even got into the wonderful acting or the layers of in jokes and references to the comic. . .but I only have so much space and so many words to write. Scott Pilgrim vs. The World defies words. . .go see it and tell me I’m wrong (and if you do and you think I’m wrong then. . .well. . .FIGHT!).

Thanks to The Gamma Quadrant podcast, I’ve been re watching Deep Space Nine so I looked at the small collection of DS9 books to see if anything was worth picking up. . .ya know, for old times sake. First, an aside. I remember a lot of geeky podcasts and newsites going ape shit earlier this year or last when a Star Wars book, titled Death Troopers, came out and featured zombie stormtroopers. As interesting as the idea is, or comical, it still didn’t exactly pique my interest in Star Wars books again (I’ve read my fair share, mind you) and, as I would discover upon visiting the used Trek section of the bookstore, the idea was used in 1995 by Diane Carey in a book called Station Rage, in which a group of zombie Cardassians take over the station.

So, yes, I did buy the book and I am reading it. Is it terrible. . .well, yes. But it’s also good. Media tie-in books, in my experience, are the ultimate double-edged sword of reading entertainment. They don’t have any real artistic value or originality but they also show a strong craftsmanship and acknowledgment of the material it is mimicking in book form. Let’s start with Station Rage. It’s about zombie Cardassians. That’s all I really have to say about the plot. As for the characters, well, we saw them on TV for seven years: no explanations are really necessary and, since Star Trek is a tightly controlled property with limits on continuity and ‘canon’ (trust me, and often argued about situation with hard core Trek nerds, myself included), there is virtually no character development that can be had since, especially when the novel was released, a serious event might influence that week’s episode.

So while I’m not really getting anything intense or dramatic (you know that by book’s end everyone and everything will be back to normal) I am also getting what essentially is the novelization of a television episode that doesn’t exist! Is it a good episode? I’m sure it’s up for debate (in the case of Station Rage, I’m sure the opinions shoot towards the negative) but what can be assuredly agreed upon is that the writing, in regards to HOW the characters respond and are understood, is exceptional. When Diane Carey writes about Sisko, she isn’t just writing dialogue: she’s writing his mannerisms, facial tics, and eye movements to the ‘T’. Carey knows when to make Kira shrug or sigh and she knows when to make Dax smile. It’s uncanny. There is no doubt when reading Station Rage, or any other Trek book, that Carey has studied, for hours and hours, every single characteristic of a television character we see week in and week out.

Does this make for entertainment? No and yes. Once again, a perplexing argument. Star Trek is probably the most confusing of the media tie-in novels. It has strict rules that both complicate and hinder enjoyment. But they also have a sort of ’secret, hidden episode’ quality that makes them feel like you are seeing something you weren’t supposed to see. And while Diane Carey is one of the better Star Trek writers (other notables are John Vornholt, Michael Jan Friedman, J.M. Dillard, and Keith R.A. DeCandido to name a few who have cornered the Star Trek book market), the writing certainly does vary. One writer can make a Star Trek book ALMOST legitimately literature (Peter David is probably the only writer to successfully do this) while others can make it professional fan fic.

When I was a kid, Star Trek books were my thing. I had read over 100 Star Trek books from the age of six to the age of 19. Since then, when I entered college, I’ve read, maybe, three. Part of this is because I was pursuing a degree in Literature and saw the real world of literature around me but, because, well, I had outgrown them. Most media tie-ins have a shelf life for the average person. And I’m sure there are loads of people in their 20s, 30s, 40s, and 50s and up who read Trek books and I don’t mock them. . .just, for me, the media tie in, especially Star Trek, is beyond me.

Reading them is a pretty miserable experience. It both defies the conventions of writing and character development but also upholds them completely. And while Star Trek books have left my nightstand on a consistent basis for almost a decade (I read them from time to time, like Station Rage, for the comfort food-nostalgia angle) I’ve dabbled in other media tie-ins to see if they have any merit. I’ve read really, surprisingly good ones and I’ve read some god awful ones. And I’ve come to the realizations that the media tie-ins are all the same. . .it’s the quality that changes (basically the writer or, less so, the plot).

Some series benefit from a more ‘open’ environment that inspires grander stories. In my experience, books based on video games have been the most enjoyable and the most dramatic. But even as I say that, I can think of an example both in the excellent category and the terrible category. Earlier this year I read one complete Halo book and abandoned another. The first was a ‘prequel’ called Contact Harvest. So oppressively connected was it to the game’s continuity that NOTHING could save it. I finished it, against my brain’s wishes, but it was one of the worst experiences I’ve ever had with a media tie-in. I had to abandon another ‘prequel’ called Ghost of Onyx because it was just too bogged down by the rules I explained earlier with the Trek books.

But the exact opposite of the Halo books was the Mass Effect books. For one, there are only two and they both vary in plot and environment so as to be enjoyable. The best one was Revelation, written by one of the video game’s writers. The best part was that it utilized environments you, as a person, have technically visited yourself. But it also decided to simply expand some of the video game’s NPCs and help you like them more. It didn’t demand of it’s plot that certain events happen to fit the character’s backstory. The book was almost entirely independent of the game. This worked. . .and this provided drama and freedom. The second book, by the same writer, called Ascension, ended up being a set-up book for the second video game though you didn’t know it until you played the actual game. Therefore it wasn’t intrusive. . .it was simply aiding a strong story yet to come.

I’ve read some movie tie-ins as well. . .and they are all good if you are excited to see the movie (as I did when I read Serenity’s novelization BEFORE I saw the movie) or they are all completely boring and pointless if you’ve already seen the movie (or, in some cases, episode). I’ve read media-tie ins that seek to EXPAND the universe (Aliens, Star Wars), some that exist almost as a sub-tie (books that exist as fictional within a fictional universe, such as Castle’s Heat Wave and Californication’s God Hates Us All), and some that exist almost simply because the industry demands it (The X-Files and Babylon 5; B5 has a series of books that are utterly pointless, both #’d books that are very episodic, unlike the series, and novelizations of movies/episodes that, by existing, are pointless. The only saving grace was a three book series by Peter David that explained how the series would have ended if it kept going).

So I guess the lesson to be learned is to NOT read media tie-ins unless absolutely necessary (not likely), assigned in class (extremely unlikely), or a gun is held to you head (I can see this happening at Wonder Con or something) because, in the end, there is more bad than good. And even when you come across something cheeky, like Station Rage, it’s purely for nostalgic or comfort food purposes which, unfortunately, is not a long lasting or consistent reason to read something.