Secure Immaturity

It’s a question I’ve asked myself for a solid four years now. Why the living hell do I watch this show? I’m not generally a TV watcher (I’m a DVD guy myself) but for some reason I tune in year in and year out, sitting and waiting come premiere day for the episodes. And if I miss it on the first-run I catch it On Demand or on DVR. Sometimes I’ll just let them repeat and I’ll watch them over and over again. I watch the show obsessively. . .and it’s terrible! Why do I do this to myself. I don’t get it. Ugh. Life is odd.

I had this discussion with a few friends. One guy, Tony, has never watched the show. One, Patrick, is caught up to season 6. I have, of course, against all forces of nature, watched every episode up to date probably three times. When I explained where the characters were at this point in the show’s history (Vince big time movie star (still), Drama searching for a show after actually being a regular on a prime time show, E a big time agent, Turtle a mildly responsible adult, and Ari trying to buy an NFL team) to Tony, he asked me what the show was about. I told him: this movie star has an entourage of friends and they hang out while they make movies. They have a funny, hyper agent and the lead’s brother is always comically fighting for work.

Naturally he asked how the living crap the show got from that to buying NFL teams and hit shows for Drama. I told him that, well, that’s where the characters are and none of them are what they were when they started the show though they are EXACTLY as they were when the show started. It’s a paradox. I continued to explain the average plot of an Entourage episode. Drama cries about losing roles to mid-90s B-list celebrities (Dean Cain, John Stamos, et al), Turtle usually gets into some sort of trouble, Vince doesn’t make movies anymore so he literally fucks every single guest star with boobs, and E can’t decide if he should be loyal to Vince or stick around with his girlfriend. In Between, a major cameo happens, Ari yells racist things at Lloyd, and the goddess that is his wife (I bow to Perrey Reeves) prances around teasing Ari and the episode ends on a cliffhanger that is resolved with a nice little bow by season’s end. The characters, in terms of conflicts and personalities, don’t seem to evolve.

I mentally apologized to HBO because I turned Tony off to the idea of the show even though, for those same crazy reasons I listed before, I was going to give him the first five seasons on DVD (did I mention I own those. . .oi vey). Patrick, much to my pleasure, said he couldn’t stop watching either even though we both agreed that a)Sloan is annoying, b)Vince doesn’t make movies anymore, c)Drama is a caricature of himself, d)Turtle’s name is Sal, e)Phil Mickelson is the worst sports actor of all time, f)Ari isn’t funny anymore, and g)Rex Lee has allowed Asians to be shamed everywhere. So the question isn’t just why do I still watch it, but why does HE and all the frickin’ nation still watch it!!!!???? Even my mother loves the show and she says she hates it at the same time. Whhhaaaaa?

I remember the season premiere of season six actually impressing me: Vince ends up alone in his house because his entourage has decided to grow up and live their own lives. Well, it only lasted a few minutes because all that outrageous character development was gone by the time episode 2 began and by season’s end, the entourage had a little fight (as they always do), Bob Saget showed up, and then they all got a plane or something and partied. Ugh. Yet, I still watch it. And it’s not like an episode here or there offers anything of use to the viewer: it’s excess at it’s most excessive. Plus it is probably the only mainstream, critically acclaimed show that can be so horrifically homophobic, chauvinistic, and elitist all at the same time.

Well, I’ve dedicated too much time at this point talking about this. I’ve already allowed Entourage to invade my life for seven years so writing 1,000 words on it is just too much to ask. *sigh* Well, I’m bored. I’m gonna go catch up on last week’s episode. See ya.

I once uttered the words ‘my favorite Star Trek movie is Star Trek: Insurrection’. The most generous response (and I’m being generous also in saying the response was, indeed, generous) was ‘yeah. . .it’s. . .okay’. Star Trek: Insurrection is met with a lot of hate by old Trek fans like me (remember, the new Star Trek was not your father’s Star Trek and that does apply to me) and new Trek fans alike. And I’m not totally sure why. The producers of the franchise tried, hard as they may, warts and all, to produce something outside the formula of what Star Trek had become (this was 1998 people. . .three, count it, THREE, Star Trek series were either on the television airwaves or soon to be released and even TNG, the second of ultimately five television series, which had long been cancelled, was not done in the movie world). Star Trek was stale and Insurrection did something about it. Oddly, the fashion in which they pursued their goal, but they still did, indeed, try.

So though I am not as foolish to publicly call Insurrection my FAVORITE Trek film (I was being a little hyperbolic. Everyone knows that II, IV, VI, and even, possibly, VIII are far superior) I do think it is a fantastic film that, for moments, breathed life into the franchise. With Deep Space Nine entering it’s last year of television, Voyager lacking any presence or importance or excitement, and Enterprise being produced in the wings, Star Trek was mired in its own continuity (one of the drawbacks for non-Trek fans in watching Insurrection is it’s continual references to Star Trek: Deep Space Nine’s serial plot lines, like the existence of Worf, the Dominion War, the Cardassians, even ketracel white!). And since DS9 was ending, the originality and breakthrough writing was on it’s way out too. Trek had nothing to look forward to but a terrible prequel series (which was a bad idea from the start), more and more years of TNG-lite (Voyager), and maybe another movie or two.

Oh and let’s not forget the dreariness. As wonderful a show as DS9 was, it’s final seasons were just downright depressing in tone, with the War and all. You could literally see the sparks in Ronald D Moore’s head going off and the ideas for his Battlestar Galactica reboot being formed by the absolute torture most of the characters went through in that series. Add to it Voyager’s malaise and you had a very dreary Star Trek landscape. Insurrection was kind of tapping Trek fans on the shoulder and saying ‘hey, we can still be fun’. Granted, being ‘fun’ is pretty damn relative, and there are times when Insurrection gets downright goofy, but at least there is not a never-ending menace or brooding that pervades the picture (the two previous TNG films, Generations and First Contact, were equally dreary and dark, much like the series that were currently on the air).

And let’s not forget, while not a box-office juggernaut like Star Wars, Star Trek was always a decent to solid/good money maker and Insurrection, on a budget of $58 million, grossed $70.1 in the States and $112 worldwide. Not Trek’s greatest showing (especially compared to it’s previous film, First Contact, which grossed $92 million in the states and $146 million worldwide) but, I would imagine, this has more to do with the over saturation of the Trek brand then the plot and theme.

Continue Reading »

I was recently reading an article that Chris Noth, one time star of the original Law and Order, it’s sister series (or the ‘bastard cousin’ as my friend Tony calls it), Law and Order: Criminal Intent, and Mr. Big on Sex and the City, really regretted starring on Criminal Intent since it’s very episodic nature made his acting abilities stagnant and non-existent. He did later recant and say that they made a lot of great episodes (and they did) and the people were great (nice save!). But he was saying what most of us were thinking anyways (and I won’t comment on the fact that Noth is an excellent one note actor. . .he’s not exactly Russell Crowe). And his thoughts are why, for the most part, I stayed away from the Law and Order franchise in it’s entirety.

For one, I never loved the court sequences in the original show. So, essentially, I liked half of the show. Special Victims Unit is just too troubling for me to watch week in and week out and Trial by Jury was cancelled well before it’s time, though it was no fault of the show (long time Law and Order actor Jerry Orbach, was ‘transferred’ to that show, had died). But, for whatever reason, the ‘bastard cousin’ Law and Order series always kept my interest at times if not for long periods. It seemed that everything Noth was complaining about was, at least in the early years, non-existent. Criminal Intent was the closest thing I could get to the ‘real’ X-Files and Vincent D’Onofrio as Detective Goren and Katheryn Erbe as Detective Eames, was pretty damn close to Mulder and Scully.

See, Criminal Intent seemed to be the Deep Space Nine of the Law and Order franchise. It didn’t stick to the general expectations of the other shows in the franchise: it took a different perspective (you often knew who the killer was from the start but the motivations were the mystery) and it focused on aspects mostly forgotten in the inner-city (white collar crime, big business scams, high priced heists, and extremely gifted killers). Despite all these things working in it’s favor, the name Law and Order, sadly, drove me away.

But with a bonus at work comes spending cash and a local store (which shall remain nameless because, in the end, for reasons I won’t go into here, sucks major balls) had a sale of seasons 1 and 2 of Criminal Intent for only $25 bucks. A passing interest became a large investment of time. . .and that investment paid off heavily. Not only does CI not feel like a Law and Order series but it contains one of my, now, favorite television characters of all time, Detective Robert ‘Bobby’ Goren, played by the truly bizarre Vincent D’Onofrio.

Now the first thing I learned as I popped in the DVDs, as I expected all along, is that there really is no reason to a)buy DVDs of this show (it is endlessly repeated on 80 channels) and b)follow the show in order. As D’Onofrio points out in the special features, he took the role on an episodic program because it would contain absolutely NO soap. So yes, Criminal Intent has pretty much no arching story lines and virtually no character development on the surface. And while that bothered me from the outset (I’m a serial kind of guy), I realized that television doesn’t have to be plot heavy to be fun and exciting.

Plus I realized, if your patient, the character development comes slow and builds over time. The show almost rewards you for following characters you know nearly nothing about (I can only recall one ’social’ moment, outside of work, with our leads) by sneaking in a little here and a little there. Over a long period of time, the people become like work buddies. You might not go to their house or know their deep secrets, but you like them just the same. In the end, the show is their work and not their lives so we don’t really NEED to know them on any deeper level. But, naturally, D’Onofrio isn’t going to just walk through a performance. His character of Goren is so impressively, and almost oppressively, eccentric, that you are entranced with everything he does.

And while I normally don’t like episodic TV, Criminal Intent has an amazing success rate in terms of coherent and interesting mysteries of the week. The first season runs a little bland and general compared to later seasons but the presence of Goren, and his straight ‘man’ Eames, makes the shows worthwhile. The second season is where the show gains a lot of steam. The cases get more complex and the case studies become both more bizarre and twisted. And while the show aims to be as anti-soap as possible, Goren is given a ‘nemesis’, of sorts, named Nicole Wallace (played by the gorgeous Olivia d’Abo) who appears five times in the series, twice in the second season.

Bizarrely, these are the most gripping episodes (and they rely on a pseudo-serial/soap understanding of past events) and it makes you wonder whether the show SHOULD be somewhat soap and if the show is betraying itself by being soap in these very few episodes. And while the Nicole Wallace episodes stand out the most, I wasn’t disinterested in watching the episodic plots that surround it. As mentioned, D’Onofrio and Erbe are fantastic together and make the whole show tick but the other two original regulars also make their marks.

Jamey Sheridan plays Captain Deakins and while he doesn’t really do anything of any importance except check on the status of investigations, he has an every-man, nice guy quality that is attractive. You like when Deakins shows up and he often is the only comic relief on a sometimes very dark show. Plus he himself adds a few personality quirks in there from time to time (for those who follow the show a lot, I particularly like Deakins choice in eye wear in the first two seasons). I am also immensely impressed in the normally anonymous Courtney B. Vance as ADA Carver. I can’t accurately compare him to other ADAs and DAs on other programs but Carver is a righteous douche bag in this show, but somehow likable. He has this sophisticated arrogance to him, and he is often right, and I like how he often butts heads with the detectives. Carver deals with what can be proved and generally hates (or doesn’t understand) Goren’s odd thinking. He also can get a little crafty which peeves Goren and Eames. It’s a nice character quirk to a pretty thankless role.

So I suppose the only thing to really say here is that I was surprised that I would find myself kind of addicted and in love with a show that goes against everything I usually like in a TV show. But the writing is actually top notch, the performances are always engaging and bizarre, and the mysteries, for the most part, always make me think which is, oddly, more then I can say for a lot of plot heavy shows I like. Maybe I like Criminal Intent because it takes a proven formula and stretches it a bit. Sure, sometimes it sticks to a formula but at least its a formula the show created for itself and didn’t endlessly regurgitate from years of previous series. I’m not too hot with the new Jeff Goldblum/no-D’Onofrio CI that’s currently on BUT I’ve got plenty of back issues, as it were, to watch before I get there. I’m team Goren!

Okay, bear with me here because I know some of you are going to implode: the original Batman movie from 1966 is a better movie then The Dark Knight. I know, I know. . .it’s crazy. I mean. . .as a technical achievement, there is no doubt The Dark Knight is a superior picture. And when it comes to script writing, acting, and execution, yeah, The Dark Knight is light years ahead. But, Batman is just. . .more fun. . .and embraces how stupid it is so much that, well, it’s BRILLIANT. The Dark Knight’s biggest problem is that is creates a world where the only thing that doesn’t fit is the central character: he’s a goofy, one dimensional character in an odd suit with bat ears. The single dumbest thing in The Dark Knight is not the marvelous tension, the exquisite set pieces, the fabulous directing, or the well crafted story. . .it’s The Dark Knight himself.

Batman, starring Adam West and Burt Ward, are surrounded by a ‘rouge’s gallery’ of superb character actors and one can’t deny that Batman is just plain fun! The problem with Batman (1989), Batman Returns (1992), Batman Begins (2005), and The Dark Knight (2008) is that they take themselves waaaaay too seriously. When you make a movie that is dark and (in Tim Burton’s case) darkly comic, you forget that at the center of the picture is a film about a guy in a bat costume saving the day. There is no coincidence that Batman himself is upstaged by almost every single element of the four Batman films I listed above. Does anyone remember a single thing that Michael Keaton did or say in the first two Batman blockbusters. . .no, you remember what Jack Nicholson, Christopher Walken, Michelle Pfeiffer, and Danny DeVito did. Do you think Christian Bale was a good Batman. . .probably not because all you remember is Liam Neeson’s beard, Scarecrow’s mask, Alfred’s quips, and Heath Ledger’s Oscar winning performance.

Adam West is probably the only actor to really command his performance as Batman. As a kid, in any time period, you wanted to be BATMAN, as silly as the costume is. And Burt Ward, as innocently silly as he is, is better then Chris O’Donnell. . .that’s for damn sure. And as for the villains. . .who was sexier: Lee Meriwether or Michelle Pfeiffer (Meriwhether, me thinks)? Who was more infectious: Frank Gorshin or Jim Carrey (the test of time has shown Gorshin, me also thinks)? Who was more iconic: Burgess Meredith or Danny DeVito (It’s obviously Meredith. . .who doesn’t think of the Penguin and do quacking sounds)? Who was more ‘delicious’ and fun: Cesar Romero or Heath Ledger (okay, I lost this one)? My point is, Batman, as aged as it is, is a film experience that doesn’t let down while all the recent incarnations have flaws within the cracks.

Continue Reading »

Yesterday I traveled with a few friends to Phoenix’s version of Comicon (imagine San Diego’s numero uno Comicon and decrease it times about 10). It is the third convention I’ve been to (Comicon ‘07 and Wondercon ‘08 were the other two) and I have to say it was quaint and quite enjoyable. The show floor was fairly large and unlike the other two cons, I did not attend any panels. But the existence of cosplayers and dressed-up folks was quite high and my friends and I enjoyed living vicariously through the brave souls who made Master Chief and Bumblebee costumes from cardboard and willingly appeared in public.

The convention was placed at an odd epicenter of social constructs: the con took place at Phoenix’s convention center which is basically right next to US Airways Arena, where the Suns and Lakers were playing Game 6 of the Western Conference Finals. Smashed together in a small space was dressed to the nines geeks displaying homemade Penguin, Joker, and Deadpool costumes (with guns) and very orange (or yellow) basketball fans. It was almost like high school again. . .us vs. them. I had legs in both pools and tried to decide which way to go. In the end, comicon was my destination and it was a blast.

Anyways, without further ado. . .the pics:

Pretty self explanatory. This is the sign that says where we are. Moving on. . .

Semi-Contributor Tony (and by semi I mean ‘hasn’t contributed shit to the website save these pictures and an essay, like, three years ago’-Contributor) stands with some off-duty storm troopers (do I have to capitalize storm trooper AND pay royalties for saying them)?

Tony was taken to the hospital a few minutes after this photo because he challenged Honky Tonk Man to a friendly match and was shortly paralyzed from the neck down after consecutive blows from the ‘guitar shot’ and the ’shake, rattle, and roll’. It should be noted, Honky Tonk Man is 57.

Continue Reading »

The first thing I felt when reading this book was surprise: the writing is excellent. I never doubted Chelsea Handler’s talents though I felt, in many ways, it was a bit wasted talking trash about B-list celebrities every night. Sure, it’s funny but I could tell there was something smarter in her core waiting to bust out. This book provides that. There is still the biting commentary that sometimes makes you wince but there also is a sense of ironic understanding of regular everyday life that makes the book a pleasure from beginning to end.

The second thing I felt was mild disappointment once the book was completed. I was okay with the aggressively over exaggerated stories (I do believe all this stuff happened. . .but in a more mundane fashion) because the schtick, indicated by the first chapter about lying, is to make realistic circumstances heavily absurd. But I was disappointed by the overt attempts to get the book made into a movie. The book reads like a polished screenplay in novel form. . .I can see it being easily accessible to studio execs, etc. It would probably be the most easily translated text to screen version of any medium due to its set pieces and witty, play/movie-like dialogue.

So while I found myself intrigued by Handler’s understanding of everyday twenty-something/thirty-something life, I was also disappointed by how scripted it felt. It’s kind of like a greatest hits album of her life: the most accessible stories but perhaps not the deepest.

A solid read. . .something to read literally in a day. . .and definitely laugh out loud funny. The title of the book comes from a story in which Handler actually went to prison (not jail. . .prison) and is probably the best part of the whole book since it blends high comedy (her arrest at the scene for DUI being full of hilarious one-liners) and mild shocks (Handler meets a convicted murderer and is ‘face raped’). Give it a try. . .I’m sure others will find it more enjoyable then I did and it will definitely reach out farther than her TV show demographic.

This was the eleventh book I read in my own personal Quest for 100 Book Challenge (read 100 books in 2010).

Sweet lord. . .are we really at Real World 23? Well, apparently we are because I laid in bed, unable to sleep, and caught the pilot episode of The Real World DC and. . .watched the entire thing. I can’t really explain the power and pull of The Real World but, in its heyday, it was the hottest thing on television, not to mention the most addicting. It’s hard to believe but the original casts of The Real World, like the original New York crew, the LA crew, the San Francisco crew all the way to, I guess, New Orleans (Real World 9, if my memory serves) actually seemed as real as advertised and unscripted.

Sure, it might have been heavily edited and carefully cast BUT the show, before the reality show bonanza of the 2000s, seemed to be the jewel in the crown of reality television. . .or, now, rather, the one shining jewel layered in a pile of immense shit. I quit The Real World shortly after both the Real World/Road Rules challenge (that has Los and Piggy and Yes and Amaya. . .and that lumberjack kid) and New Orleans mainly because the show, despite having unique casts for nine years, was getting formulaic. The producers fell in love with brand ‘characters’ and stereotypes and as the shows continued. . .back in New York, in Las Vegas for one season, the cast began to merge into an odd conglomerate of mainstream beauty and unreal reality. I couldn’t tell one person from the next and supposedly, in the last 9 years, there have been 13 more seasons. . .all instantly forgettable!

So when I found myself hooked and *gasp* interested in the pilot for The Real World DC, I wasn’t sure if I was sucked into something interesting or if I was reverting to a highly constructed form of muscle memory. Because though some of the people seemed different then previous casts (I assume), it all fit a formula that allowed me to a)guess what was happening every second and b)question the ‘reality’ the title of the damn show so blatantly advertises.

Continue Reading »

So when you call in sick from work and can’t really eat, sleep, breath or, well, live, you end up watching whatever is on HBO because you managed to crawl to the couch and dropped the remote control and. . .well. . .you just sit there. . .wasting away. Luckily, the old classic Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead came on and I was more then pleased to watch it. Then, half way through the movie, a smarmy character enters for a few moments and says ‘whose the void in Rose’s office?’ I’m thinking, ‘even though he’s got a near mullet, that looks like. . .wait. . .it is. . .it’s David Duchovny!’ Yes, DD managed to smuggle a part in this great movie as a gross looking, flamboyantly (for the 90s) dressed scuzzball named Bruce. He mostly stands around and looks skeptically at Christina Applegate and has a line or two. Even a sick day carries with it its many surprises.

These odd, medium-crossing books are such a joy to read because though the works can’t usually live up to the mythos provided them in the medium they were originally fiction in, they connect you to the universe and, at the very least, make you wonder if you are dreaming when you pass them by at the bookstore. When I passed God Hates Us All by fictional author Hank Moody I had to literally stop myself, shake my head, do a double-take and then realize a)I’m not dreaming and b)I can’t have a shot at sleeping with Madeline Zima.

Not like fellow author Ricard Castle’s book Heat Wave is actually on the shelves. This book, in Arizona at least, is damn impossible to find. I had to order it from two separate stores AFTER checking seven others. Heat Wave might be up in the air as a critical success (I liked it) but it will undoubtedly be an experiment that has paid off for Hyperion books and ABC who have now found media-tie in materials to go with a show that probably didn’t have the potential to have any in the first place. By July of next year I can guarantee there will be another Nikki Heat novel ready to be sold out and gobbled up.

I’ll get the few complaints out first: the book is too short. At 198 pages I can definitely tell you I wanted more. But what I wanted more of wasn’t in the book because basically Heat Wave is an episode of Castle. I fully expected the opening page to say, ‘. . .and the names have been changed to protect the innocent’. All the names of the characters are changed and all of them, except Castle’s daughter Alexis, are present. Castle is Rook (get it), Beckett is Heat (obviously), Esposito is Ochoa and so on. Though this book works at poking fun at the so-obvious representations of the characters from the fictional Castle’s tag-along with the NYPD, it can be frustrating when you realize this is basically a glorified media tie-in with different names. Adding Castle’s name to it makes it extra special but the plot and characters make we realize I wouldn’t mind normal Castle books (a la Star Trek books) being produced.

Continue Reading »

I’m sure I’m not the only one who has said this but television studios have to realize that making 26 hours of television over an entire season is so detrimental to the product. For one, the busy viewer sometimes can’t tune in 26 weeks of a year at the required time (sure TiVo exists and all that but work with me here) and a missed episode can sometimes be the crack in the floor that makes the viewer drop into the serial abyss.

Also, the quality factor simply drops somewhere in mid-season as budgets get tighter, ideas get sparse and rest is less and less possible. American TV Shows need to follow the British method (short seasons: six episodes at the low end, 13 at the highest). This way the writing, directing, producing and acting are never tired and focus can be put on a coherent story and people won’t get sick of watching the same people do much of the same thing over and over again for half a year! Some shows have done this for many reasons. Many, afterwards, have not learned their lesson and went to typical episode outputs (I’m looking at you Entourage and Battlestar Galactica!).

Finally though, ABC listened to me and decided to put it’s show Castle on the short list of episodes and, in the end, Castle has become one of my all-time favorite shows. And it’s not just because of the limited episode run, though that plays a major factor, but because of the brilliant directing, writing, producing and acting that seeps into your veins in each episode. See, no one was tired during this run. . .each episode, all ten of the first season, has energy, spark and originality. And ABC learned it’s lesson: the currently running second season will also only have ten episodes.

Continue Reading »