Jul 02 2009
Screen Peeves
I found out today that when I recently introduced my iPod Touch to water, that I took a $300 multipurpose entertainment unit & transformed it into a paper weight. Needless-to-say, I’m feeling a little extra snarky today. So, as I’m seeing the world through irritated eyes, I think I’ll bother you with a few of the on-screen things that really bother me.
The Talking Animal:
Now, I’m not dumping on the animated animal. My ire scope is targeted on those poor unassuming animals that producers thought would be entertaining by adding computer-generated mouth movement & overlapping a human’s voice. As evidenced in Beverly Hills Chihuahua, Charlotte’s Web (2006) & those endless commercials of those poor unsuspecting animals shucking product. The director is probably holding up a Snausage so the poor dog will quizzically look at the camera. But by the time we, the viewer, see this commercial, the dog sounds like some coked-out Artie Lange yelling something like, “that carpet powder is terrrrrific.” It’s just disturbing. Animals are endearing because they aren’t human. The similarly fashioned E*Trade commercials with the talking toddler makes me laugh — but we humans have been graced with deposable thumbs & we are supposed to talk. Cats aren’t supposed to open their mouths & say, “This is great new litter I’m crapping in.” Talk about pet peeves.
The Actor, Not the Athlete:
Sometimes athletes make the jump to television & the silver screen. Sometimes actors are cast in the role of the athlete. Sometimes, this is a big mistake. As a movie & sports fan, nothing is worse that seeing a sports movie where the “athlete” shows you physical evidence that he or she lettered in drama over sports. Watching Anthony Perkins’ try to throw a baseball in Fear Strikes Out is something George Costanza would liken to a “dry heave set to motion”. I instantly lose credibility in the movie when I see this. Hollywood doesn’t have the technology to make Chelcie Ross in Major League, look like he should be the Cleveland Indians starting pitcher. The athletics in Teen Wolf, The Replacements, Rookie of the Year, & countless other sports movies makes you wonder what happened to this selective casting process we always hear about. Here’s an idea – when you’re casting a role for a quarterback, invite the actor outside to throw around the ol’ pigskin. If he throws like a 2nd grade schoolgirl with a tick, you may want to cast him as the tight end.
The Pretty Girl & That Guy?
Right or wrong, I have this idea that couples are usually in the same aesthetic category. Hot girls are with hot guys — 10’s with 10’s and 2’s with 2’s. People generally couple with opposition of the same relative superficial level. We may see the occasional 8 with a 4, but money, stature, & some other factors may levy one’s “hot number” (See Lyle Lovett). My possibly-flawed analogy aside, I just can’t suspend my disbelief when I see the obvious mismatch coupling. Woody Allen may be witty, worldly & charming, but there’s no way his neurotic film characters would score the bevy of lovelies that he has paired himself with. It’s always this swarthy or quirky male screen character that has this beauty of a wife. I see this aesthetic inequity most prevalent in commercials. You know, that dopey husband with the bad foot odor and his gorgeous wife, smiling while can-spraying his hoof. It’s almost as if the film & television producers feel that a woman’s credibility to sell a product lies in her outer beauty & the man’s selling point is his skill in deriving a laugh. If you want me to believe that man or woman in a lab coat is the doctor that finally found the cure for my ailment, you cast an actor based on his or her presence to demonstrate that idea. It looses credibility when the lab coat doesn’t fit the person. Same thing with screen couples – if you want me to believe that the couple grilling Oscar Meyers is a real couple, you need to cast two people that seemingly look like a real couple.
The Changed Man:
I have a long list of movies that I deem “one hour gems”. These are those films that lock me in and entertain me – for about an hour. Often times, these movies feel the need to have the flawed, but funny main character go through personal change. That’s about the time the laughter stops. Thus, the one hour gem. Whether it’s a couple of wedding crashers choosing love over womanizing pursuits, or competitive slacker step brothers deciding to take their life serious, the energy of the movie takes on a new soul. The climaxes of movies like Along Came Polly & Anger Management don’t resemble the movie from which they started. There’s a romantic person in most all of us, but I dropped a ten spot because I saw big Will Ferrell dancing in an elf costume. Sure, Harry & Lloyd could have driven off in the sunset with beautiful bikini-clad women, but the title of the movie was Dumb & Dumber.
I’m not getting soft damn it. So before you assume that the world is ending and I’m becoming a mushy, romcom movie reviewer then here’s this: boobs, things exploding, someone punched in balls, laughing at a fart, burping and a misogynistic and inappropriate shirt. Those were the five things I was thinking about and the one thing I was wearing before I decided to actually end the world and become a mushy, romcom movie reviewer. So I’m still your typical man. . .damn it. Okay, I wasn’t thinking about any of those things. Except boobs. I can’t help it. But I lied to you. . .so I really am a man.
1)Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie (1996): As you may or may not know, MST3K: The Movie was released in only 29 theaters throughout the United States. I was at one of them. I was living in Tampa, Florida and the closest theater was 3 hours south towards Miami. First, I want to thank my parents. They knew I was an MST3K freakazoid and was dying to see the picture. They drove me, up and back, for an evening showing. They went and saw Cold Comfort Farm while I sat in a small, 45 seat theater with about 12 people. Though the movie was a departure from the television show (broader jokes, no deep references and shorter running length) it was like sharing the screen with family. The 12 people there were all hard core fans and it was like we all had this little in joke; almost like the movie existed just for the 12 of us (and, really, it probably did). I bought some trading cards and hat pins to remember the event and I still have them and cherish them to this day.
Get Shorty: Grave Yard of the stars! Does anyone remember the movies of the 1990s? Remember when movie stars were movie stars? When you could literally say to your mate, friend or enemy, ‘hey, let’s go down to the multiplex and see the new John Travolta movie’ or ‘hey man, have you seen that new Rene Russo film? Wow. It has monkeys in it.’